I was raised in Southern California and brought up in the church. We had a good life and I was very blessed to have grown up in a Calvary Chapel church. However, around the age of 16 I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Whenever I would get into trouble I would cry out to the Lord for help and He would deliver me. But I would cheapen the grace of God because I never lived a life of holiness unto the Lord.
What I now realize is there is a difference between “knowing of Jesus Christ,” and “knowing Jesus Christ.” One is without intimacy and was born out of emotion. The other is an abiding love relationship with our Savior. I lived in the world that whole time and found myself lost and I didn’t know where time went.
One day I’m 16 and the next day I’m 30 years old and living a life of self-destruction. I had this calling upon my heart but I couldn’t shake the conviction. I was finally at the end of my rope and I needed a Savior. I remember the night that I fell on the ground crying out to the Lord. My whole life I had done it my way and it got me nowhere. I asked for forgiveness and told the Lord that my life was His to be used as a vessel for holiness and righteousness. I had this hunger to know Him, to know who I was in Christ, and to know the blessedness of our Savior. I had fallen in love and couldn’t get enough of His word. Since that day I have continually been blown away with the love of Jesus. I feel so unworthy to be in ministry.
My heart for ministry is that ministry is not contained just on the grounds of the church – my whole life is ministry from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. What I realize now is that I couldn’t ride my parent’s coattails into heaven. I had to come to a place of humility of knowing I couldn’t do it, but Jesus could. I had to make the decision to live for Him, or to live without Him, and I tried living without Him.
So, my only conclusion was Romans 12:1-2. To live a life holy and acceptable to the Lord and to be transformed daily by the Holy Spirit. Spending time in His word is where I want to live the rest of my life. I truly do believe in the power of the Gospel because it has resurrection power as it turned my world upside down, but my heart right side up. In Christ I have found my purpose and that is to live a life of self-denial. Now I am in Montana answering the call Jesus has upon my life. I don’t know what the future has for me and I am not worried. All I do know is, “ For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain”.